Monday, 13 November 2017

Gamer So Furious about New Necromunda That They Will Only buy 4 Copies.

Stewart Perkins - a 34 year old wargamer from London - is so furious about the new edition of Games Workshops skirmish game Necromunda he has decided to only buy half the amount of copies of the core box then he usually would.

"I mean look at it,  it's a board game - I know the designers of the game and Games Workshop have said it isn't but it looks like a board game so it must be one."  Stewart said " It's not exactly how I remember it so it'll obviously be terrible"

"I think everything is wrong about this game so I will only spend a couple of hundred quid on it.  I have everything about it.  I hate the fact that it's not a complete game,  I will have to buy a separate book on the day of release to play the full game,  yeah I know they have said that the main box is a full game but I think it's not so how can it be a full game?" Stewart continued.

"I'm just sick of people being positive about something that I don't like the look of!"  Stewart was last seen pre-ordering extra miniatures for his set of Necromunda.  "I'm so furious about the scale creep as well" he was heard saying.

Sunday, 11 June 2017

Shadowrun Player Hospitalised After Rolling Too Many D6

Sarah Miller, 29 from Bristol, has been playing in the same Shadowrun campaign for over four years now but the groups last session had to end short after Sarah caused dislocated her elbow trying to throw the required amount of dice to make a skill check in the game.

"It was horrible" Sarah said "I've never felt pain like it! I was just trying to get my Dwarf Decker to do some hacking."

Carl Willis, the GM in this particular campaign said "it was terrible.  We told her not to roll them all at once but she said she had to.  She said she could take the strain but her elbow clearly couldn't."

Staff at the local A&E said "This is actually a very common complaint.  We see maybe 3-4 roleplayers a month with dislocated joints after particularly long sessions of Shadowrun.   We all know Tennis Elbow is recognised as a serious ailment but we need to let people know about the dangers of Shadowrun Elbow"

Monday, 29 May 2017

40k Player Already Regrets Burning Army

Warhammer 40,000 fan Sean Tally is already kicking himself for burning his Tyranid army as soon as Games Workshop announced the 8th Edition of the Sci-Fi battle game.

"I was furious when they announced the new edition.  How dare they change something I enjoy." said Sean misty eyed.  "I obviously knew nothing about the new version but I knew I would hate it.  The only thing I could do was to burn my Tyranids.  It makes perfect sense when you think about it."

But it didn't take long for Sean to see the errors of his ways.  "Then Games Workshop started giving us information about how the new edition plays and a look at some cool new models.  I started to think that maybe I shouldn't have made a knee jerk reaction to something I knew nothing about?"

"I am actually convinced that the new version of 40k will actually be great,  I have already started planning my new Primaris Space Marine Army.  I think this is going to be the best version yet maybe?"  Sean continued "They better not change anything after this though otherwise these new Marines are dust."

Tuesday, 21 February 2017

Gamer Finding it Increasingly Hard to Stay Angry at Games Workshop

William McCann, a 35 year old wargamer from Edinburgh, is finding it harder and harder to find things to complain about regarding Games Workshop.

"I have been playing Games Workshop games since I was about 13" William said "but a few years a go I feel out of love with the company.  One of my favourite things to do was to go online and tell everyone that I didn't play Warhammer 40,000 anymore and that they should bring back games like Blood Bowl and Necromunda...I never thought that they would actually bring them back"

"I thought I would love complaining about Age of Sigmar, and boy did I complain about it when I first read the four pages of rules...but then I actually played it." William continued "It was so much fun that I now have two armies for it! Maybe making it easier to get into was a good idea."

"After that I started to complain about how White Dwarf wasn't as good as it used to be and that they should make it monthly again.  Then guess what they went a did?"  William said "It's a shame really because I used to really enjoy complaining about Games Workshop online"

Game of Talisman Finally Ends After Three Weeks

A game of the classic Games Workshop board game Talisman: The Magical Quest Game has finally reached its end after three weeks of constant play.

Kevin Salter, Jennifer Dyer, Holly Gosling and Carl Miller started the game with the best intentions.  "We all met up to play some board games" Jennifer said "we played a few card games the Kevin suggested we play Talisman." 

"I used to play it all the time as a kid and really fancied playing it again" Kevin said " I dug out my old copy from the cupboard, dusted it off and set it up.  The box said it was a 120 min play time, so we thought we had plenty of time to play!"

After a gruelling three weeks the game finally came to an end.  The gamers emerged from Kevin's house, dishevelled and hungry.  "120 mins?" Holly said through the tears "why would a box lie to people like that!?" 

Wednesday, 8 February 2017

Beasts of Wars Warren to Host Whole Episode of The Weekender Only Using Innuendos

Beasts of War presenter Warren Johnston is set to host an entire episode of their web series The Weekender only speaking sexual innuendos.

"It's going to very hard" Warren said about the task "but I will have to suck it up and take it on the chin."  The show, that usually discusses news and events in the gaming world as well as the hosts own experiences and and hobby, is a regular weekly series that has been running for many years now. "Some of the shows are very long" Warren commented "but we can managed to cram a lot in."

When asked if he was nervous about stunt Warren replied "I am scared stiff.  It really puts the willies up me! I think I'll manage to pull it off though."

Justin Mc Auly, another regular on the show, said "It's really unlike Warren,  i've never noticed him using innuendos in the past."

Thursday, 2 February 2017

6 Year long D&D Campaign finally reaches its 3rd Session.

Kenny Downton, a Dungeon Master from Cornwall, has finally managed to get his D&D group together for the third game of their on going Dungeons & Dragons Campaign.

"It's very exciting" Kenny, 32, said " it's only been 2 years since our last session, it usually takes much longer to get a D&D session  together!" 

Kate Ennis, who plays a Dwarf Fighter in the campaign said "the last session was great, well what I remember of it anyway.  I'm pretty sure Kenny will give us a recap.  If not I'll be lost to be honest."

"I pretty much remember what happened in the last game.  I think they had a bar brawl.  This next session should be great though,  it should end with them just getting to the dungeon." 

Monday, 30 January 2017

PETA To Publish it's own Miniatures Wargame

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, are planning on releasing their own Miniatures Wargame.

A spokes person for the animal rights charity said "After asking Games Workshop to stop producing fantasy miniatures that wear fur we decided to make our own game.  We will work with games designers and will produce our own range of, obviously fur free, miniatures to accompany the game." 

The game is set to have a rich and fully fleshed out setting.  "The characters in the will all have great intentions,  they will essentially be "good guys" but they will, for some reason, focus all their efforts in the wrong areas" The spokes person said "their hearts will be in the right place but they will really really miss the point...constantly."

Friday, 27 January 2017

Blood Bowl player still convinced it's the dices fault.

Long time Blood Bowl player Robert Dunt is still convinced that the reason he never wins at Blood Bowl is because of the dice.  
The 3rd Edition of the game.
Dunt, 37 from Suffolk, said recently "I've been playing Blood Bowl since 3rd edition in 1994.  I think in all that time I have only ever won four games.  Why would Games Workshop make the dice so discriminatory.  Why do the dice hate me so much?"

The offending dice.

Robert, staring angrily at a set of Block Dice, continued "I love the game and have several teams but it's the Block Dice,  I am sure they are weighted to land on the Skulls.  I have bought sixteen different sets and even made my own but they always seem to fail me."

"People tell me that dice are just random but I am sure Blood Bowl dice are just evil.  I mean it can't be that I am just bad at the can it? Can it?"

Thursday, 26 January 2017

Argument about Line of Sight Reaches Day Four

Two wargamers have been locked in a fierce debate about Line of Sight for four days now. 

One example of how the debate could get resolved.

Adrian Smee and Andy Mills, both 29 from London, have been arguing about whether one model can shoot at another during miniatures wargame at their local games club.  Adrian said "we were having a great time playing at first,  my army was winning but when one of his models wanted to shoot at one of my guys holding an objective I was convinced there was no line of sight!"

Andy replied "I got down on my knees and took a models eye view and everything,  I could clearly see the muzzle of the gun on the model"
"Yeah but that doesn't count!" Adrian snapped back before we had to break them apart.

When a fellow patron of the games club suggested that "It doesn't really matter, just roll a dice for it" they were quickly shut down and ejected from the building.

The debate is ongoing...

Sunday, 22 January 2017

Board Gamer in Training to Unbox their new Fantasy Flight Board Game

Duncan Clarke,  a board gamer from Kent in the UK has started their strenuous workout regime in preparation for unboxing their most recent board game purchase.  

"I recently picked up a copy of Arkham Horror.   It's been sitting on my shelf for since I bought it and I thought it was about time I face the task of opening it." Mr Clarke, 27, said already sweating at the idea of the mammoth task.  "When I got the X-COM Board Game I didn't prepare before hand and was bed bound for almost a week after I punched out all the components.  I think it has done irreparable damage to my thumbs,"

Hand Squeezy things
"I've been weight lifting, doing sit-ups and using one of those hand squeezr things you see in films.  I never understood what they were for but now I am convinced that they were made for intensive board game unboxing training" Duncan said "The training has been going great so far,  my trainer thinks I should be ready to full unbox the game in three to six weeks...about the same amount of time it will take to set up and play a game of it!"

Thursday, 19 January 2017

Wargamer Finally finishes 2015's New Year project

Avid Wargamer Anne Shaw has finally finished her new years project from 2015,  a personal record.

"I can't believe I actually finished it! I'm so proud of myself!" Anne said "I knew doing a whole Kings of War Goblin Army was going to be a stretch but I finished it in record time! My 2013 new year project is still setting half painted on my table." Miss Shaw looked extremely pleased with her achievement as she spoke "Now all I have to do is get working on my 2016 project..."

"Once that's done it's time for all my other projects to finish." Anne continued "My Infinity gang,  my 40k  Tau army, my Deadzone Enforcers, my Dropzone Commander starter set,  my Bolt Action Soviet Army,  my Malifaux gang,  My Vikings for Saga,  My Blood Bowl and Guild Ball Teams, my Age of Sigmar Nurgle Rotbringers army of course...."

When asked if she will ever find time to finish all her projects Anne replied "Only if they ever stop bringing out awesome looking games,  and that's bound to happen soon right? Right?  RIGHT!?"

Wednesday, 18 January 2017

34 Year Old Man Realises Nothing Will Ever be as Good as Necromunda

Toby Jackson, 34 of Essex UK, has come to the realisation that nothing in life will ever be as good as the 1995 Game Workshop Sci-Fi Skirmish game Necromunda.

The Greatest Box Cover Art of all time.

"I used to play Necromunda every weekend when I was a school.  I spent so many hours levelling up my gangs"  said Toby "I have now realised that I have spent my entire adult life trying to recapture that thrill and excitement."

"I remember they day I left school and passed my GSCE's with flying colours.  It was great but it wasn't quite as good as the time I took out my friends Goliath leader in the first turn with a well placed Boltgun shot" Toby remembered misty eyed.  "The day I met my wife was one of the best days of my life, but it couldn't match when my first Juve levelled up to be a Ganger."

"Our wedding day was obviously beautiful"  Mr Jackson continued "but not quite as beautiful as the time my Van Saar gang managed to win a four way gang fight only taking one casualty" said Toby wiping a tear from his eye.  "I cried when my first child was born of course, but not nearly as much as when my Van Saar leader died after levelling his up for two and a half years."

Mr Jackson could barely hold back the tears as he finished "I guess I have had a good life...but I still think of that Van Saar gang everyday.  I really miss those guys."

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

40K player still angry about Age of Sigmar for some reason

Warhammer 40,000 player Ian Cooper is still incandescent with rage that Games Workshop changed Warhammer Fantasy Battles to Warhammer:  Age of Sigmar despite it being a year and a half since the change.

A Stormcast Eternal that Ian still calls a Sigmarine.
"Why would they do this to me?" Ian said recently "Why would they change a game that I barely ever played?  People loved Warhammer Fantasy Battles, not me mind, I only ever played it once and found it a bit stale, but some people loved that game apparently!"  

Mr Cooper, 29, was so angry about the update of the game he was physically shaking as he spoke.  "Four pages of rules!? It's almost as if they are trying to make the game appeal to children!"  Ian said while spending his Christmas money on some new plastic toy soldiers.  "Surely it's not a real game unless you have to cross reference between three to four different books to field one army!"

"I obviously make my feelings known online about Age of Sigmar"  Ian continued "I even joined the Age of Sigmar fan page on Facebook just to talk smack about it to the people that play it.  This has to be the best way to get people to come and play 40k with me right?" 

When asked if he had even played Age of Sigmar Mr Cooper got defensive "Well, I haven't actually played it but I have read the rules and all the Warscrolls - that Games Workshop have provided for free - and I just felt so cheated.  Why are Games Workshop being so selfish and greedy?"

When asked if Games Workshop will take 40k  in a similar direction to Age of Sigmar Ian burst into a fit of rage and began to explain that he would leave the game behind and play something else if GW did such a thing.  "...but that would bring new people into the game of 40k,  that's the last thing we need!"  he said while storming out of the room.

Games Workshop were contacted but refused to comment...obviously.

Monday, 16 January 2017

Painter in mourning after spilling new pot of Agrax Earthsade

Avid miniature painter Andrew Livingstone suffered a major lose this week after he knocked over a freshly opened bottle of Citadel Agrax Earthshade.

An example of the devastation 

Andrew, 28, said "I have seen the pictures on Facebook pages and stuff but never thought it would ever happen to me."  Mr Livingstone, who was half way through painting a Khorne Bloodbound army when the accident occurred added  "I once knocked one of the old pots of Shade but it didn't actually spill but the new tall pots may as well be especially designed to tip over."

Andrew was at home at the time of the incident but didn't waste anytime in sharing the news.  "There was so much mess,  those new pots have so much paint in it was like a brown tidal wave had hit my painting table.  But obviously before I cleaned it up though I took a few pictures of it on my phone and shared them on all the gaming forums, Facebook pages, the WhatsApp group message for my gaming mates and text everyone else I knew.  The support has been amazing.  It's amazing to find out how many other people have also been through this kind of trauma."

Andrew Livingstone was last seen counting the pennies at the counter of his local Games Workshop Store desperately trying to buy a replacement bottle of Agrax Earthshade.

Games Workshop were contacted but refused to comment...obviously.